The Endies of Cinematic Proportions, the 2009 Edition

By Jon Magne | Published: January 30, 2010

Welcome, welcome, yes, settle down now. I’m so glad you could all make it to the annual award blog, where we celebrate all that was worth celebrating about the year that was in cinema. Your host tonight will be – yes, you guessed – this italic version of myself, who, aside from having a slightly slanted view at life, is very much like my regular, upright self.

I should also suspect that I’ll be substituted for my more popular, regular text after these opening shenanigans. Oh well.

But let’s kick things off here. This time, I shall not only be ripping my categories out of thin air, but rather rip them from the putrid arms of the Academy. Or rather, I’ll take those categories which I find interesting, and leave the rest of them open for interpretation. In case you find yourself confused over which categories are “real” and which “aren’t”, the latter kind will be apartheided into so-called “bonus categories”.

A small note on the business of the nominees: I just pick the ones I feel are worthy of attention. If I want to pick just one, I’ll pick two to make it interesting, but I’m not applying any restrictions on myself here.

Enough dithering, lets get this baby a-rolling.

Movies I Watched in 2009

In random order:

Black Dynamite, Fanboys, Up in the Air, Zombieland, The Road, Away We Go, (500) Days of Summer, Inglorious Basterds, The Informant!, A Serious Man, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up, Year One, Invictus, The Hangover, The Men Who Stare at Goats, The Brothers Bloom, Taken, Avatar, Adventureland, Moon, Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince, Coraline, The Boat That Rocked, Duplicity, Star Trek, Dead Snow, Sherlock Holmes, Watchmen, The Hurt Locker, Public Enemies, Funny People, Bruno, “I Love You, Man”, Where the Wild Things Are, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, District 9.

All in all: 37 films.

Best Supporting Actress

The nominees: Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air. Vera Farmiga for Up in the Air. Rachel Weisz for The Brothers Bloom. Melanie Laurent for Inglorious Basterds.

And the winner is: Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air.

I could say some crap about this being a close call, but since she’s the only one of them that I felt had a real break-out performance as an actress, I’ll just say it was well-deserved. Jason Reitman is brilliant with women (Juno comes to mind), and Up in the Air was no exception. I think I’ll see a lot Kendrick in the coming years, and think her part in Edgar Wright’s upcoming Scott Pilgrim vs. the World should cement her as a one of Hollywood’s brightest female stars.

Bonus category: Best Film Directed by a Female that Was Formerly Married to James Cameron

And the winner is: The Hurt Locker, directed by Katheryn Bigelow.

The Hurt Locker wasn’t 2009’s biggest seller at the box office, but it surely swept the critics off their feet. Me, being more of a casual critic without the refined taste required to make such distinction, distinctly feel that it was not that great a movie, and that you really should get over yourself if you thought it was. The only thing that was great about it was the tension it managed to capture in the fight scenes, and where haven’t we seen that before?

It was better than Avatar though.

Best Supporting Actor

The nominees: Woody Harrelson for Zombieland. Christoph Waltz for Inglorious Basterds. Jude Law for Sherlock Holmes.

And the winner is: Christoph Waltz for Inglorious Basterds.

What a shocker, right? Yeah, this one is a total lock for the actual award come the Oscar night, and it’s truly deserved. In fact, it’s such a commanding performance that I’ll rather talk some about Harrelson in Zombieland, which was the first time I remember actually liking him, and much the same can be said about Jude Law (who I hadn’t seen in years, it seems).

Bonus category: Best “My Pipe is Bigger than Your Pipe” Moment of the Year

Seriously, how big was that pipe?

Best Actress in a Leading Role

The nominees: Julia Roberts for Duplicity.

And the winner is: Miss Not Appearing in this Blog

Duplicity is a film that was much better than a lot people thought, with a great script from Tony Gilroy (of Bourne fame), but that’s also what I’ll remember about it, so I might as well take a pass. Or, when there’s no other worthy candidates, I could just hand it to Meryl Streep, who I’m sure deserved it, even if I didn’t watch her films. That’s what the Academy will do, anyway.

Best Leading Actor

The nominees: Michael Stuhlbarg for A Serious Man. George Clooney for Up in the Air. Sam Rockwell for Moon. Matt Damon for The Informant!

And the winner is: Sam Rockwell for Moon.

Moon was the undoubtedly best sci-fi film of 2009, and Sam Rockwell delivered the undoubtedly best role of 2009 as well, and could of course have won it in the supporting category, but that would just be greedy, right? Anyway, the other performances here were also superb, with Clooney being the most charming (i.e. himself), and Matt Damon showing off his funny bone to great success. A good year for male leading roles, then.

Bonus Category: Best “I Wish Hugh Laurie & Robert Sean Leonard Had Been Casted Instead!” Award

And the winner is: Sherlock Holmes.

A fun movie by any stretch, but also a somewhat infuriating one, as I couldn’t help myself but think “Gee, I wish I’d been allowed to write & direct this movie”. Which we’re all thankful that I didn’t, of course (damn you all to hell!), but I think we can all agree that the best Holmes incarnation at the moment is House M.D.

Best Animated Feature

The nominees: Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coraline.

And the winner is: Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Wes Anderson delivers a fantastic interpretation of Roald Dahl’s story, in a vein that’s unlike anything I’ve seen before, and with his trademarked quirky form of humour. The marvelous voice acting by Clooney, Bill Murray & Jason Scwartzmann should also be high-lighted & recognized for its brilliance. The close runner-up was undoubtedly Up, which I loved upon my first viewing, but doesn’t hold up as well as something like Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Bonus Cateogry: Best Use of Ian McShane as Voice Talent Award

And the winner is: Coraline

I had no idea that McShane was doing voice acting for this film, which made me love a film I already adored even more. Hey, they made a Neil Gaiman movie, and they casted Ian McShane as the crazy Russian mice director.

Or in simpler terms: awesome.

Best Screenplay

The nominees: Inglorious Basterds, Up in the Air, Black Dynamite,  Moon, The Informant!.

And the winner is: Inglorious Basterds.

Perfectly captivating with sizzling dialogue & a frightening piece about the power of cinema, Inglorious Basterds is without doubt the most powerful script of 2009. Up in the Air was the closest, but in the end it doesn’t hold the same punch that Basterds did. The most exciting new voice of 2009 was Duncan Jones’ Moon, so I’ll be eagerly awaiting his next venture. I suspect Jones could be the new Nolan, but with heavier sci-fi slant, which would be highly interesting.

Best Visual Effects

The nominees: District 9, Star Trek, Avatar.

And the winner is: Avatar, Avatar, Avatar, all day long.

Have you seen it? Then you know what I mean. Normally I wouldn’t bother pointing stuff like this out, except when it’s so amazing or so bad that you notice it, you know? This year had two films of that variety: Wolverine had the worst effects I’ve seen this side of the millennia shift, and Avatar 3D blew out the barn door on what’s possible. A breathtaking achievement, even if the script sucked.

Best Director

The nominees: Quentin Tarantino for Inglorious Basterds, Jason Reitman for Up in the Air, Wes Anderson for Fantastic Mr. Fox

And the winner is: Quentin Tarantino.

Again, this one isn’t even close, so I’ll focus on the other two. Reitman, I think, is going to be a mainstay at the top of these lists in the years to come. He’s delivered two great films, and one very good film (Thank You for Smoking), and you can tell that he is far from done. Wes Anderson and I don’t always get along. I really like Rushmore, but can’t quite see what’s so great about The Royal Tennenbaums or his other films. Mr. Fox, however, hit all the right buttons, and hopefully we’ll get along better in the future.

Tarantino though… He’s just a master at this point.

Bonus category: The Best Director that Wasn’t Nominated for Best Director Award

And the winner is: Rian Johnson for The Brothers Bloom.

The Brothers Bloom is a sort of heist, caper, grifter & Ocean’s Eleven-esque story that I love so much, and the film really works, but somehow it falls a bit short in places as well. I have a feeling that this film could have been something of a gem with a few more re-writes, polishes & sharper editing, but as it stands, it’s just another film that will quitely vanish into the night. I sure hope Rian Johnson don’t fade away though, ’cause the man has now made two really interesting films (i.e. the awesomeness that is Brick), and I’d love to see what he could do after his sophomore slump. 

Best Comedy

The nominees: The Hangover, Black Dynamite, Fantastic Mr. Fox

And the winner is: Black Dynamite

Have you seen this outrageous film? I laughed my balls off the first time I saw it, and sniggered heavily the second time (which more than I can say about The Hangover). I never thought I’d like a blackxploitation film this much, but Black Dynamite proved me wrong. It’s certainly the cult hit of 2009, and will cause much merriment in many years to come. An instant classic.

Bonus Category: Best Use of a Naked Asian in the Trunk Award

And the winner is: The Hangover

And now that naked Asian is killing me on a regular basis over at Community,which is a good show that you should watch.

Best Films of 2009

1. Inglorious Basterds

““I think this is my masterpiece”.

2. Fantastic Mr. Fox

“You’re supposed to be my lab partner. You’re disloyal.”

3. Up in the Air

“I am a parenthesis?”

Movies That Weren’t All That, But Are Worth Noting

  • Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince was the first HP movie I’ve enjoyed since Prisoner of Azkaban. The ending was kind of a bummer though, or else it might’ve gotten itself higher on a lot of lists this year. Also? This is the last HP movie that isn’t in 3D.

  • The best action film of 2009 was Taken, starring an ass-kicking Liam Neeson that was so bad-ass that I nearly forgive the film its terrible introductory sequence. Fun fact: the director of this film is doing the huuuuuge sci-fi re-make Dune, which is probably not a good thing, but also a very interesting thing as well.
  • How come I’m the only one in the world that watched/liked “The Boat that Rocked”? I’m not saying it’s the greatest film in the world, but it sure as hell deserved more recognition than it got.
  • Adventureland was Superbad-director Greg Mottola’s follow-up, and while it didn’t have the groove nor the hippie-hippie-shake of Superbad, it was a surprisingly heart-felt & tender story that nearly had me liking Kristin “Twilight” Stewart. Nearly. I’m not crazy, you know.
  • Star Trek had the best ensemble cast of any film released this year, and I think that Chris Pine (Kirk) fellow is a man to watch in the coming years. We may have a new Pitt/Clooney/Depp on our hands, there.
  • The biggest disappointment of the year? Huh. Hard to say. Watchmen was all-right, I guess, but the trailer was better. X-Men Origins: Wolverine had such a bad rep going out the start gate that I didn’t expect much of it. I guess the ironic victor has to be Where the Wild Things Are, which is a well-made film that had great buzz, but that didn’t manage to connect with me at all.

a Quick Rundown of Films I Look Forward to in 2010

  • My most anticipated film of 2009 is Edgar Wright’s (Shaun of the Dead) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, which I have no doubt I’ll love so much it hurts.
  • Another film that is based on a comic book is Matthew Vaughn’s (Stardust, Layer Cake) Kick-Ass. I don’t think this’ll be… shall we say, an intelligent film in any way – hey, it’s main draw is an 11 year old girl who slices people up into itsy bitsy pieces – but the buzz has been good, and I can’t help but look forward to it.
  • The best film of 2010 will probably be Chris Nolan’s Inception. This films combines too many things I love into one single movie: One my favourite directors, a sci-fi/psychological plot, Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Ellen Page.
  • The second best film of 2010 will probably be David Fincher’s “The Social Network”. Even though I despise Facebook, I’m totally psyched to see what Fincher can do with a Aaron Sorkin script, that is rumoured to be nothing short of superb. Fincher hasn’t made a great movie since Fight Club, but I have a feeling this will be his return to form.
  • Iron Man II. ‘Cause Tony Stark has privatized world peace. I guess that means Robert Downey jr. will be coming to Oslo this December, then? At least he’ll have deserved the Nobel Peace prize… :)

Other films I’ll watch out for in 2010: The Wolfman, The Losers, Get Him to the Greek, Shutter Island, Clash of the Titans, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Ondine, Valhalla Rising, The Green Hornet, Hesher, Cop Out, Black Swan, Robin Hood, The Fighter, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, Machete, Toy Story 3, Jonah Hex, Knight & Day, Salt, Tron: Legacy, and hopefully a new Coen Bros. picture as well (I think it’s called “True Grit”).

All in all it makes for 27 films, and knowing me I’ll probably watch a heck of a lot more than just these. Seems like it’s going to be a good year.

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Friday Night Lights

By Jon Magne | Published: January 19, 2010

Oy! What’s this, then?

Friday Night Lights is a televised drama series produced for NBC. It’s currently in its fourth season, with the fifth (and possibly last) season beginning in April (these last two seasons are only 13 episodes long). It revolves around a high school football coach in the a small town in Texas, as well as the players on his team and the people surrounding it.

Why are you bothering me about it? I don’t like sports in my TV!

Because I watched the pilot on a lark after having been vaguely entertained by the movie it’s based on (that goes by the same title). The funny thing though, was that the TV Series was substantially more interesting, and had a lot of qualities that’s not that easy to come by today. More often than not, a drama series is either about a lawyer/doctor/cop, and more often than not, the episodes are formulaic protagonist-heavy.

Friday Night Lights escapes all those traps, and while it does revolve somewhat around a football team, it’s more in a tangential way, kind of like how Mad Men is about an ad agency, but really it’s not.

It should also be noted that the coach of the team is one of the most terrific characters I’ve come across on TV; easily up there with Al Swearengen, Joshua Lyman, Mal Reynolds, Greg House, Barney Stinson  & Ari Gold. Everyone should give this show a try, if only to see how interesting coach Eric Taylor manages to be (and he does so by just being a good guy; no quirks, no funny lines; just a good father & good human being).

And one last thing:

Friday Night Lights isn’t a ground-breaking show, or a show that could in any way be considered a “must watch”, unless you’re hungry for a good drama (there aren’t too many out there right now). I hope you give it a try, ’cause the show’s really struggling with its ratings, and if it doesn’t get much better it’ll get cancelled after the 5th season (which, I’ll admit, is a good run, even if s2 was cut short because of the writer’s strike).

I like it. I think you would, too.

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The Endies! TV! 2009! (Exclamation Mark!)

By Jon Magne | Published: December 28, 2009

Christmas Day brought me my final little slice of TV of 2009, so it’s about time to take look back on year that was and make some sly, unfounded judgements based solely on my highly subjective point of view. I wouldn’t call the Endies! an award or something like that; they’re more like a nod towards what was memorable about the year. Call it a Highlights of 2009 list, or perhaps something synonymous that doesn’t sound terribly like a  VH1 special. This would also explain the lack of a proper, numerical list or anything else that would be easily understandable for you, my dear (albeit a mite confused?) reader.

Got it yet? Well, no matter your answer, here we go:

Remind Me What I Watched Again?

Why, of course! Only counting TV series that aired eps in 2009, I watched these shows:

30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, Bored to Death, Breaking Bad, Castle, Chuck, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, Doctor Who, Dollhouse, Entourage, Glee, House,  How I Met Your Mother, Kings, Lost, Mad Men, Scrubs, The Big Bang Theory, True Blood, V (2009), Virtuality & Weeds.

Holy Crapcakes, Batman! That’s a lot of shows!

Yes. May we move on?

Sure. What Do You Want the Next Headline to Read?

How ’bout: “The Most Confusing Show of the Year!”

You Mean Besides These Headline Jokes Right Here?

U-huh.

Cool: The Most Confusing Show of the Year!

That’s better.

And the winner is… badada-bum: “Lost”, season 5. Not exactly a shocker, I’ll admit, and while you may harrumph when I say that it really wasn’t that confusing; it just required your utmost attention. All the time. Which gets tiresome, right? The sad thing is though, that I actually was enjoying “Lost” season 4 quite a lot, and had high hopes for season 5, but in the end it was something of a let-down (if not a really big one), and I can’t say I’m spinning my wheels to get the conclusion in 2010.

Honourable mention: I have to admit being a little bit confused by Breaking Bad at the beginning (season 1, that is, which aired in 2008). This confusion can’t be attributed to time-jumping madness, but rather to a strange pre-conception that the show was a black comedy, and not a drama series (like it is). I think I got this idea from the endless comparisons between Breaking Bad & Weeds, but still… confusing, and not a little embarrassing. No sirree.

The Most Disappointing Show of the Year (is this a theme?)

This is actually a tough category, seeing as I’m very good at dropping shows that disappoint me on a regular basis, thus excluding them from such a blog post as this. For me to stick with you through both the good days & the bad days, you’d have to a pretty clean track record before the bad patch, or be made by Aaron Sorkin or Joss Whedon.

Anywho, the winner is: badada-bum: “How I Met Your Mother”. I love-doveyed this show to bits for three full seasons before the gears got stuck somewhere in the beginning of season 4, and the knot hasn’t fully unravelled to this day, well into season 5. This “bad patch” have also incidentally coincided with the show’s best ratings ever, so either I’m the stupid git who doesn’t get it, or the American public is. Me being me & not a general signifier, I choose to point at the latter.

Honourable Mention: “Dexter”. I loved this show’s two first seasons. The 3rd was all-right. The 4th, however, has been at best so mediocre that it hurts, and at its worst it had me cringing. I think this show has more  than outstayed its welcome.

The Best Pilot of 2009

And the winner is: badada-bum:  “Virtuality”. Penned by BSG creator, Ronald D. Moore & directed by Hollywood big-dick director Peter Berg, this was the little sci-fi show that couldn’t make it on FOX. Again.

Fuck you, FOX. Fuck you most sincerely.

Still, this doesn’t take anything away from the fact that it was a superb pilot with great acting, great ideas & a wholly surprising plot-twist at the end. If this pilot had been reworked as a movie, it could’ve been something really special.

Honourable Mention: “Kings”. I still remember getting chills down my back as I watched the pilot for this doomed fantasy series. Great, great stuff, and “Kings” will be sadly missed.

Best Finale of 2009

If I was a Highlander fan, I would say something along the lines of “There can be only one!”, but since I’m not, I’ll content myself by doing a merry jig and handing out some laurels to: badada-bum: “Battlestar Galactica”.

This pilot was highly divisive within the fandom, but I obviously landed on the “wheeew, that was perfect!” side of the factions. I always thought Battlestar Galactica had a lot of biblical themes throughout the series, and especially towards the end, so that the finale was what it was felt like the old adage about good endings: I didn’t see it coming, but when it did, it felt inevitable.

Honourable Mention: “Mad Men” would be too easy an answer, so I’ll go with “Chuck”. If “Chuck” is a cult hit like Star Wars, then then Chuck’s “I know kung-fu” would be as classic as Vader’s “I’m your father”. Of course not comparable on any level, really, but still. That was some awesome shit right there.

The “From Rags… to Favourite Show of the Fall” Award?

And the winner is: “The Big Bang Theory”. I’ve been on-and-off again on this show ever since it debuted. It comes from the same mastermind (really?) that created “Two & a Half Men”, Chuck Lorre, and it featured a cast of single nerds & a hot girl who lived across the hall from them. Now, I’ll admit that I’m fond of any show that uses the amount of references that this show does, but humour just didn’t sit well with me… until season 3. By now they’ve managed to build up a show mythos that allows for more nuanced jokes that doesn’t make the characters come off as caricatures. Also? There is no error in saying that “Dr. Cox is to Barney Stinson what Sheldon is to the Big Bang Theory”, and that’s no mean feat.

Honourable Mention: “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. When the first episode of this 7th season aired, I decided to give it a go, even though I’d only watched a couple episodes before. Thankfully, this show doesn’t require all that much knowledge to be enjoyed: All you need to know is that the main character is a dick, and everyone hates him, and you feel terrible for him, but it’s still ravenously hilarious. This show had probably the most clever writing of any comedy show I’ve seen all year.

The “Weirdest Reboot That Kind of Works” Award!

And the winner is: “Scrubs 2.o: Med School”. This reboot has no business being as good as it. It should be horrible! It should at the very least be as bad the last season of Scrubs 1.o! But, lo & behold; it’s actually kind of funny. Given a little time to develop itself, it could grow into something akin to good.

Honourable Mention: “Entourage”. What, it was rebooted? I didn’t know this, and I’ve watched every season ever. Well, reboot might be a harsh word, but “Entourage” managed something few shows ever do successfully. After five seasons of “Vince & the Gang”, we got “The Gang & that other guy that the should used to revolve around”, and best of all? It worked! The screenwriters watched their material gowing stale, and actually re-invented it by utilizing under-used characters and turned it into some damned fine TV. Kudos all around, and bring on the last two seasons already, eh?

The “Worst Episode” Award

This is not a fun category, but a necessary one to provide some balance with all the raving that’s about to commence. Hence, the winner is: “Some Other Show That I Don’t Watch”. I think it’s the deserved winner, don’t you?

Oh, Come On. You Have to Pick One.

You’re a right bastard, you big-lettered prick. Okay, then. I’ll pick one.  And the winner is: “That Mad Men Episode Where Don Revealed He Was Actually a Nigerian Cross-Dresser With a Hankering for Funky Cheetos”. I think it’s the deserved winner, don’t you?

I Think We’re All Growing Tired of This Shit

Yeah, all right, all right. If I have to choose -

- You Do -

- then I’d probably land on a Dollhouse episode. All though which one would be hard to pick, seeing as it seldom sinks below a certain level, but has never attained a really high one, either (well, except a couple of times). The pilot would be a good pick though.

And that most recent parenthesis brings me to:

The “Best Episode That Didn’t Air” Award

And the winner is… badada-bum: “Dollhouse: Epitaph One”. I love me big, brainy, science fictiony ideas, and I love me a post-apocalyptic setting. “Epitaph One” would therefore be a perfect fit, and it’s a right shame that it didn’t get to air. Dollhouse might not have been the best executed idea in history, but this one episode perfectly summarizes everything that was good about it, all the while being good at everything Dollhouse wasn’t.

Honourable Mention: Hmm… I’d actually like to name that “Mad Men” episode I mentioned earlier. Sounds like mind-bending stuff.

The “Best Episode That Did Air” Award

Goes to… badada-bum: Battlestar Galactica 4×19&20: “Daybreak, part I & II”, otherwise known as the finale. I’ve discussed this at appropriate length earlier in this post (see: Best Finale), but suffices to say that this episode was more than I’d ever hoped for. I even enjoyed the dancing robot.

Honourable Mention: “Mad Men” 3×13 “Shut the Door, Have a Seat”. If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about here. If you haven’t… well, you’ve got some telly to watch, my friend.

The “Most Unexpected Use of a Lawn Mover” Award

Goes to… Mad Men’s “Guy Walks into an Advertising Agency”. Again, you’d have to watch it to understand, but I’ll also allow that this episode had the best line of dialogue heard in 2009: “The doctor said he’ll never golf again.” ^^

And Finally, We Conclude This Broadcast By Saying The Obvious:

The Best Show of 2009

Mad Men

This show… is just pure, distilled, glorious extract of everything that’s good about dramas, and season 3 was the best one yet. There wasn’t a single line that fell flat, nor a single plot not properly foreshadowed, dealt with & then executed so exquisitely that I was left wondering if “Mad Men” was on drugs and should be disqualified from existence. From the ice cubs rattling in the their drinks to the subtlety of the characters every interaction, every detail was covered, and in the end, it outshone everything else on TV in 2009. A classic in the making, and an ageless tale being told, “Mad Men” depicts the past in a way the future will marvel at forever. If anything is wrong with this show, it’s that its so peerless that it makes other shows pale into nothingness compared with its mastery, and I’m left wondering if the perfect diamond is really prettier than a flawed one… but a diamond is nevertheless more beautiful than common gravel.

And the “Laying it On a Wee Too Thick, Are We?” Award Goes to…?

I hate you.

I really do.

Some Day You’ll Back on That Paragraph & Wince, You Know

Some day you’ll look back on that headline & remember the joy of cracking wise with a full set of teeth.

Play Us Off, Keyboard Cat!

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“Plastic Jesus”, As Played On a Banjo With a Broken Heart

By Jon Magne | Published: December 26, 2009

“Well, I don’t care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic Jesus,

sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.

Comes in colors, pink and pleasant, glows in the dark cause it’s iridescent.

Take it with you when you travel far.

Get yourself a sweet Madonna,

dressed in rhinestones sittin’ on a pedestal of abalone shell.

Goin’ ninety, I ain’t scary, ’cause I’ve got the Virgin Mary,

assurin’ me that I won’t go to Hell.

Get yourself a sweet Madonna,

dressed in rhinestones sittin’ on a pedestal of abalone shell.

Goin’ ninety, I ain’t scary, ’cause I’ve got the Virgin Mary, assurin’ me that

I won’t go to Hell.”

– As performed on a banjo by Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke.

Original lyrics by Eddie Mars.

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Avatar

By Jon Magne | Published: December 20, 2009

To say I love films of every creed & colour would be blatant lie. I don’t, for example, get my knickers in a twist when a new Twilight movie flashes its cute teeth, and I can easily contain myself when Michael Bay wanks his robots all over my screen. What I do love though, is to go & watch a movie that isn’t based on anything else; that comes from a director whose action flicks are among the most exciting things captured on 35 mm film, and that’s also such a big-dicked venture that it’s bound to get a lot attention.

You know, a movie like Avatar.

What the fuck it is

Avatar is a far-future science-fiction film from James “Titanic” Cameron, and it’s also the first movie he’s made since Titanic became the second biggest grossing movie in the history of moving pictures (after “Gone with the Wind”, adjusted for inflation o’ course). It also stars Sam “Who?” Worthington, best known for starring in a film (you didn’t see) called Terminator: Salvation, and Sigourney “Ripley” Weaver, best known for starring in the Alien franchise.

Worthington plays Jake Sully, a crippled marine on wheels who takes over his twin brother’s job on a scientific mission to the alien planet called “Pandora” – a lush & dangerous planet full of monsters, valuable minerals & native humanoids called Na’vi (Big Ass Thundermurfs).  His twin brother, you see, was a highly trained professor who’d trained long & hard to be a part of the “Avatar” programme. “Huh?” you say? Well, the “Avatar” programme is really a process where your mind is transferred to a Na’vi body that’s specially grown to be finely tuned to your nervous system. All this is done in an effort to study Pandora & get closer to the natives, so that they can understand them better and so on.

Jake Sully, then, is introduced to the Na’vi, a tree-hugging race that has no trust or use for us regular humans. But you see, there’s something special about Jake. He’s taken into their tribe & taught their ways, and it doesn’t take long until you see the makings of a sweeping story of love & heavy-handed messages about environmentalism (all though with better explosions than Al Gore’s version).

The other major characters include Sigourney Weaver’s “Chief scientist” role, a native princess of sorts called Neytiri (i.e. the love interest)  & a trigger-happy Colonel with a hard-on for clichéd one-liners & Full Metal Jacket-esque speeches.

The Easy Reason to Like It…

… isn’t very hard to pin point: It’s drop dead gorgeous. And I don’t mean gorgeous as in “I’d like to see that movie with its tits out”, but in the “I’d like to take this movie to the park, pour it a glass of wine & tell it why I’m actually a lot like that Richard Gere”.

Avatar is the first movie I can remember having so good CGI that I had no trouble what-so-ever believing in this alien environment. But while the landscapes are enough to gape at, the real accomplishment is the facial subtleties that are so convincingly delivered by the avatars & the Na’vi. It didn’t feel like there was a man behind the curtain with his hand up their bums at all, which is why you don’t spend most of the movie slightly amused by the fact that you’re essentially watching an epic version of Dances with Thunder Smurfs.

The Easy Reason to Make Fun of it…

… isn’t the lame Smurf jokes I’ve been pulling. No, the easy reason lies with the script, and especially with dialogue. Now, James Cameron has never been accused of being very gifted in this regard. He always goes for the pathos filled lines that often get so clunky that you can almost hear them fall rattling to theatre floor, causing ripples of mirth to spread throughout the audience.

I could, however, give those a scenes a pass if the movie wasn’t so darned… well, stupid is harsh word, so I guess I’ll go with simplistic. After we’re introduced to our characters & have gotten a feel what’s going on, you actually know what’s going to happen. There’s no surprises, no plot twists you don’t hear coming like a god-damned T-Rex stomping through the forest, and a couple character motivations border on caricatures. There’s no middle ground in Avatar; no black & white (maybe that should be blue & white, harr harr), and any character arcs beside the main character’s, are virtually non-existent. I mean, there’s a pilot that you maybe could make an argument for, but she was a really minor character that really didn’t add anything to story other than moving the plot forward.

Oh my, we’re in the nitty gritty now!

In other words, Avatar is about as subtle as a brick to head. First off, the imagery & heavy-handed metaphors almost as bad as something you’d find in a Brother’s Grimm fairy tale. Now, you may think this is a criticism from my part (it is), but it’s also kind of a relief. Stories now-a-days have become so de-constructed that I sometimes just wish someone could tell me a straight story and be done with it, which is exactly what Avatar is.

But telling a straight story doesn’t mean you can get away with being stupid. Avatar essentially takes its plot from tales mired in history, like Pocahuntas or a Dances with Wolves, but where those stories actually make sense, Avatar doesn’t. I mean, the movie begins with Jake Sully getting out of five-year long cryo-freeze. It took them five years and only-Cameron-knows-how many light-years to get to Pandora, and then they spent a shit-load of money on an avatar programme? To do what? To get the Na’vi to move their homestead away from the riches mineral deposit inside 200 km of their base? You mean they just spent billions of dollars to avoid the bad press of killing Na’vi, just because they couldn’t be arsed to go further than 200 km? And you’re telling me that while we’ve aquired the tech to transfer our minds into alien bodies, we haven’t developed a mining method more nature-friendly than a bull dozer?

Fuck you, script-writer. I ain’t buying it.

I Guess This Would Be the Part Called the Conclusion

That’s just it, though. Avatar might be simple-minded, but that might also be why it kind of works. It’s so full of archetypes & familiar plot lines that all pay off that you have no trouble whatsoever being blinded by it by the amazing visuals & the surreal experience of trying to care about blue people. Avatar is that ol’ magic trick that you’ve seen a thousand times before, but instead of pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Cameron pulls a sparkly, fully CGI-rendered bunny out of his gorgeous assistance’s pixelated  ass.

It’s a neat trick, and I wouldn’t say no to a repeat viewing, but I’ll be damned if it’s subtle.

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Sometimes There’s Something to Be Said About Not Saying Something

By Jon Magne | Published: December 17, 2009

“The rest of the summer passed in a hallucination of lush green meadows and haymaking; of barley fields and harvesting; and of humid afternoons and sudden thunderstorms. Frank had such little impact on his environment, and the passage of day into night and back into day again made life seem so ephemeral and indiscriminate, that he might just as well have been a brilliant blue damselfly, skimming the water of the pond at the bottom of Tom’s fields.”

- Graham Joyce, “The Facts of Life”, page 235.

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I Realize Now That I Should’ve Been Stalking You Since I Was Two Years Old

By Jon Magne | Published: December 13, 2009

And by “stalking”, I of course mean waiting silently in the wings, watching every move you make. Everyone you talk to. Everyone you’ve ever talked to, for that matter. Watching…

… everything.

And by “you”, I of course don’t mean you. Let’s not kid ourselves, here. You? You’re no fun. I could go as far as following you on Twitter, but, really, that’s as far as I’m willing to go.

No, by “you”, I mean Robert Downey jr. The actor, in case there was any doubt. I’ve liked the guy ever since I saw him on Ally McBeal, all though he was only a face at the time (me being a young tween & still learning all about Pokemons & why fire hurts when you touch it & so on), and it wasn’t until last year’s Iron Man that the guy really made his mark on my list of Stalk-worthy persons. That’s when he cemented himself in my psyche, and I silently made a pact with him that he was my guy & we would do well to have further encounters in front of the big screen. Me, sitting there silently & wide-eyed, him up there, blasting people away with both his wits & super-charged sonic devices.

All in all, it was quite the amicable relationship.

Then I watched Tropic Thunder, and my metaphorical photo-lens grew several inches right up till the point I re-watched it with the commentary on, where he -true to his scripted words – stayed in character until the credits rolled.

So I watched The Soloist. Re-watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang for the fourth (?) time. Played the Sherlock Holmes trailer until it got old…

… and then I went trolling around his imdb page, looking for more stuff to obsess over. I knew the chances were  slim, seeing as I’d heard been a bit black listed in Hollywood because of a slight addiction to happy pills & snowy powder, so I wasn’t expecting to find much of note. Perhaps an art movie I could hunt down if the need struck me, or a pilot of some goofy 90’s drama?

I took my look-see, and concluded I hadn’t heard much of anything about anything on the list of credits. So I  shrugged & plotted my Christmas Day outing for Sherlock Holmes while I watched some other films.

This is where my list of Stalk-worthy persons plays a little game of Six Degrees of Seperation. What has Robert Redford in common with Inigo Montoya, and how does it connect with Charlie Chaplin & Robert Downey jr.?

Movie buffs wouldn’t have much trouble with this one, but for those of you who feel like IMDBing your way out of the riddle, please do so now. I’ll wait patiently in the next paragraph while you find the missing link. And no, it’s not “Inconceivable!”

Ready? That’s swell. The answer, of course, is William Goldman,the man who wrote the book & script of the Princess Bride, a genre classic if there ever was one. Goldman also wrote Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid (starring Robert Redford), a movie that rates highly amongst most connoisseurs of cinema, and certainly one of my all-time favourites. Lastly, Goldman received a writing credit on “Chaplin”, a biopic on the moustached little fella with the queer hat, starring my very own Robert Downey jr.

This film was released in 1992, at which point my two year old toddler-self was having lots of fun in a diaper & presumably sucking merrily away on my thumb.

Fast forward to 2009. I no longer wear a diaper, and don’t plan to do so until I’m old & senile enough to not care if I do, and hopes are that the thumb-sucking thing has subsided all together. In other words, progress has been made, and I’ve also watched “Chaplin”, which turns out to be quite a long & fascinating look at one of the film industry’s pioneers.

It can also tempt you with some nice casting. Anthony Hopkins plays the editor of Charlie Chaplin’s biography, which sets up the framework for the movie. The two old men (RDjr sporting an old-man’s make-up that would make Benjamin Button proud) sit in his home in Switzerland, working through Chaplin’s manuscript, taking the viewer on a journey from poverty to world fame to infamous outcast.The movie also stars The Other Guy from Ghostbusters (i.e. not Bill Murray) as the legendary Mack Sennett.

I suppose many an argument can be made about the true virtue of this movie, and even if it’s really a good movie at all. The beginning is somewhat of a tangled-up mess, where younger versions of Chaplin depict an origin story that doesn’t help the audience get a good feel for the main character. It’s only until you get to end of the meaty second act that you finally get a sense of the man that’s pervaded so much of our culture right up till this day. And while the ending is terrific for a biopic, the entirety of it didn’t manage to strike just the right balance between the man, the artist & the icon.

But it was close. And it tried. It tried so very hard, which makes me love it all the more. And it had marvellous balls in casting RDjr as Charlie Chaplin. The guy never did make it big until Iron Man hit, so casting him as the leading man on what must’ve been an expensive movie shows great big, beautiful balls of glorious ballness.

And you know what? I thought he was great. Every inch of great that you could expect, at least, and then some more.

And I realize now that I should’ve been stalking Robert Downey jr. since I was two years old.

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The Piano Has Been Drinking, Not Me

By Jon Magne | Published: December 8, 2009

The piano has been drinking
My necktie’s asleep
The combo went back to New York, and left me all alone
The jukebox has to take a leak
Have you noticed that the carpet needs a haircut?
And the spotlight looks just like a prison break
And the telephone’s out of cigarettes
As usual the balcony’s on the make
And the piano has been drinking, heavily
The piano has been drinking
And he’s on the hard stuff tonight

The piano has been drinking
And you can’t find your waitress
Even with the Geiger counter
And I guarantee you that she will hate you
From the bottom of her glass
And all of your friends remind you
That you just can’t get served without her
The piano has been drinking

The piano has been drinking
And the lightman’s blind in one eye
And he can’t see out of the other
And the piano-tuner’s got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
Without fear of contradiction I say
The piano has been drinking

Our Father who art in ?
Hallowed by thy glass
Thy kindom come, thy will be done
On Earth as it is in the lounges
Give us this day our daily splash
Forgive us our hangovers
As we forgive all those who continue to hangover against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver from evil and someone you must all ride home

Because the piano has been drinking
And he’s your friend not mine
Because the piano has been drinking
And he’s not my responsibility

The bouncer is this Sumo wrestler
Kinda cream puff casper milk toast
And the owner is just a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost
I’m going down, hang onto me, I’m going down
Watch me skate across an acre of linoleum
I know I can do it, I’m in total control
And the piano has been drinking
And he’s embarassing me
The piano has been drinking, he raided his mini bar

The piano has been drinking
And the bar stools are all on fire
And all the newspapers were just fooling
And the ash-trays have retired
And I’ve got a feeling that the piano has been drinking
It’s just a hunch
The piano has been drinking and he’s going to lose his lunch
And the piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, The piano has been drinking not me

- “The Piano Has Been Drinking” by Tom Waits

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The List: The Listening, or, A Title That Makes Sense (The TV Edition)

By Jon Magne | Published: November 23, 2009

You guys know I love lists. In fact, I’m pretty sure I lovey-dovey them. They do so many things so very well; they make things easy to read (unlike sentences with semi-colons) & they feel no need to justify their existence. Well, at least until someone takes umbrage with your list, demanding a reason for why you ranked Spider-Man 3 as the best Slightly Emo Super-Hero Film Ever (which it is).

But that’s the fun part, and the part we so seldom get to do because our lists are so reasonable or so unreasonable that there’s just no point. Hence, we must walk the middle way; the one sprinkled with old friends & dark horses, and do our damned best to not put Citizen Kane as the best movie ever (it isn’t) & to get too riled up about sparkling vampires (there’s that odd reference you won’t get when you read this post way after it was posted).

So, yes, lists. Let’s get down to it.

Everybody’s doing the Ten Best [Digestible  Packets of Pop Culture] o’ the Decade these days. I’ve done them, too, because hey, I love lists. I thought we’d been over that already.

But the Ten Best TV Shows of the noughties isn’t a highly interesting subject. It would be too similar to my top ten TV shows ever, since I’m a youngling & wasn’t around for the glorious TV of yesteryear. I was hardly around for the first half of the this decade either to be frank, but that’s neither here nor there.

Therefore, I propose a different TV list. Or perhaps calling it a list of categories (archive?) would be more fitting. Anyways, the game is simple. I write the headline, and you add the TV show you feel belong beneath ‘em. Remember, you can only choose 1 show, or else it wouldn’t be any fun. It’s really quite simple. You may also write your own headlines, unless they’re very crude or rubbish or much more interesting than mine, in which case I’ll feel bad & you’ll feel like a jerk. Ah, c’est la guerre.

Here, I’ll go first:

Can You Spell Mini-Series?

  • Heroes

This one’s pretty obvious, don’t you agree. Wouldn’t we all be happier if it had been cancelled after the first season? I know I would. Runner-up: Dollhouse (’cause Joss Whedon’s time would be better spent doing something really awesome instead of something that’s only sometimes awesome).

Where Did You Go? Or, surely it must be Firefly!

  • Firefly

Whoops, what a weird category. This one goes out the show that didn’t even get to finish its first season. I saw no reason to not just call it the Firefly-category, ’cause that’s the obvious answer. Runner-up: Dollhouse (’cause it didn’t get to air its awesome 13th episode in season 1, even if it shoul’ve ended there).

Enough is Enough! Or, the cow dried up a season ago!

  • Dexter

I really love the two first season’s of this show; in fact, I think they’re some of the best TV made this decade, at least with a serial killer in the staring role. However, the concept of the show doesn’t lend itself too well to the trials & tribulations of a 13-hour series, and should’ve probably have contained itself to three-act mini-series instead. Runner-up: Scrubs (’cause man, I loved ya long time, baby, but enough is enough already!).

Fee Fay Foo, This Show Should’ve Had Another Season

  • Deadwood

This show produced three seasons of some of the best TV ever made. Why not make a fourth one? It boggles the mind! Runner-up: Studio 60 (’cause anything written by Aaron Sorkin is probably better than anything not written by Aaron Sorkin). Runner-up to the runner-up: Kings (’cause while the finale kind of sucked, I think this show could’ve become something really special given some time).

The Show That Lasted Just as Long as It Should Have, Thank You God in Heaven

  • the West Wing

Seven seasons were just enough for this show to come full circle, and I’m really glad it got to do it. Sometimes people should realize when a concept is growing stale, and the West Wing quit just in time. Runner-up: the Sopranos (’cause when you end your show with Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’, you’ve done the right thing). Runner-up tot he runner-up: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (’cause going out on a high note was nice).

And that’s it for my category-making for now. Feel free to join in the comment section, or, you know… let Loki pull the weight like he usually does. You’re such a bunch a’ free loaders!

Ahem. Well, that’s all folks!


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“He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world.”

By Jon Magne | Published: November 21, 2009

“The realist in murder writes of a world in which gangsters can rule nations and almost rule cities, in which hotels and apartment houses and celebrated restaurants are owned by men who made their money out of brothels, in which a screen star can be the fingerman for a mob, and the nice man down the hall is a boss of the numbers racket; a world where a judge with a cellar full of bootleg liquor can send a man to jail for having a pint in his pocket, where the mayor of your town may have condoned murder as an instrument of moneymaking, where no man can walk down a dark street in safety because law and order are things we talk about but refrain from practising; a world where you may witness a hold-up in broad daylight and see who did it, but you will fade quickly back into the crowd rather than tell anyone, because the hold-up men may have friends with long guns, or the police may not like your testimony, and in any case the shyster for the defense will be allowed to abuse and vilify you in open court, before a jury of selected morons, without any but the most perfunctory interference from a political judge.

It is not a very fragrant world, but it is the world you live in, and certain writers with tough minds and a cool spirit of detachment can make very interesting and even amusing patterns out of it. It is not funny that a man should be killed, but it is sometimes funny that he should be killed for so little, and that his death should be the coin of what we call civilization. All this still is not quite enough.

In everything that can be called art there is a quality of redemption. It may be pure tragedy, if it is high tragedy, and it may be pity and irony, and it may be the raucous laughter of the strong man. But down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. The detective in this kind of story must be such a man. He is the hero, he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor, by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world. I do not care much about his private life; he is neither a eunuch nor a satyr; I think he might seduce a duchess and I am quite sure he would not spoil a virgin; if he is a man of honor in one thing, he is that in all things. He is a relatively poor man, or he would not be a detective at all. He is a common man or he could not go among common people. He has a sense of character, or he would not know his job. He will take no man’s money dishonestly and no man’s insolence without a due and dispassionate revenge. He is a lonely man and his pride is that you will treat him as a proud man or be very sorry you ever saw him. He talks as the man of his age talks, that is, with rude wit, a lively sense of the grotesque, a disgust for sham, and a contempt for pettiness. The story is his adventure in search of a hidden truth, and it would be no adventure if it did not happen to a man fit for adventure. He has a range of awareness that startles you, but it belongs to him by right, because it belongs to the world he lives in.

If there were enough like him, I think the world would be a very safe place to live in, and yet not too dull to be worth living in.”

- Sneakily snitched from  “The Simple Art of Murder” by Raymond Chandler.

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